Know-It-All Babies

I know! I know! What is "perestroika", Alex...

Parenting Tip: Once your child outgrows the phase wherein they ask you "What's that?" or "What does that mean?" about literally everything they encounter, they will begin the phase wherein they firmly believe that they know everything.

Almost inevitably, this will make you miss the phase in which they ask you what things are.

Why Babies Are Like Sponges

Look! I'm pole-dancing just like Mommy!

Parenting Tip: It is often said that babies are like sponges. This is true in two ways. First, it's true that they are likely to imitate almost anyone they come into contact with as they try to figure out the intricacies of the world around them.

The second way babies are like sponges? Sometimes they're also like contraceptive sponges because they make you never want to get pregnant again. Keep this in mind as you make your Valentine's Day plans.

Baby's Existential Angst

Hunter (at left): Sometimes I feel like we're the ones trapped in cages--prisoners of our tiny, inadequate bodies with inchoate vocal chords, wailing for an unnamed balm for our souls and for answers to the unending questions of life.      Hank (at right): Yeah, totally. Hey, do you think one of these things will try to bite my arm off if I dangle it in there? Let's find out...

Parenting Tip: Sometimes it may seem as if your baby is constantly doing things which put him or her in danger of death and/or dismemberment. Please try not to worry too much about this. These actions are probably not a sign of their existential angst (French babies aside) or some sort of death wish. Rather, it's much more likely that they're just a dumb baby and don't know any better.

Grandparents and Baby's Sense of Smell

Jesus, can someone get me away from Grandpa's onion breath?  ...and if that's not onion, I really don't want to know what it is.

Parenting Tip: Grandparents can be a godsend for new parents. Obviously, grandparents are all too happy to babysit since most have little else to occupy their time (and they tend not to charge for this service, unlike that money-grubbing 7th-grader down the street). One underappreciated facet of grandparents is that they make parents look hip and "with it" in comparison. Additionally, they may help your baby and/or child appreciate the fact that your home doesn't smell like creamed corn, mothballs and death.

Baby Time: It's Bored O'Clock

Wait, let me check my watch. And by "watch" I mean "level of boredom." Yes, according to my watch it seems that it's time to go. 

Parenting Tip: A bored baby is an unhappy baby. And an unhappy baby is one that makes you look like a horrible parent by wailing uncontrollably in public.

Photo credit & thanks to Sarika Chawla and Aaron Rigby.

Of Suicidal Tendencies And Kiddie Pools For Babies

Let's be honest here: this pool sucks. I am not going to have fun in an inflatable pool filled with a half-inch of water. I mean, there's not even a remote possibility that I could drown myself. Where's the excitement?

Parenting Tip: Your fear of killing your baby is natural. Because your baby might die if you look away for just one second. Remember how "I just took my eyes off him for a second" is always the distraught mother's excuse for baby death and/or baby kidnapping on the news as well as basically every Lifetime movie in which bad things happen to babies? It's true that it often seems like our precious, precious offspring have a death wish or suicidal tendencies. In fact, they are simply dumb. Existential crises and suicidal thoughts are something you have to look forward to mostly in the teen years. Do be aware that your fear of killing your baby will result in him/her having an insanely sheltered life and ultimately destroy any chance s/he has at happiness, independence and personal fulfillment.