Know-It-All Babies

I know! I know! What is "perestroika", Alex...

Parenting Tip: Once your child outgrows the phase wherein they ask you "What's that?" or "What does that mean?" about literally everything they encounter, they will begin the phase wherein they firmly believe that they know everything.

Almost inevitably, this will make you miss the phase in which they ask you what things are.

Why Babies Are Like Sponges

Look! I'm pole-dancing just like Mommy!

Parenting Tip: It is often said that babies are like sponges. This is true in two ways. First, it's true that they are likely to imitate almost anyone they come into contact with as they try to figure out the intricacies of the world around them.

The second way babies are like sponges? Sometimes they're also like contraceptive sponges because they make you never want to get pregnant again. Keep this in mind as you make your Valentine's Day plans.

Babies Swinging & Other Amusements

Wheee! Swings are so effin' awesome!

Parenting Tip: Compared to older children, babies are easily amused. Try not to think of this as the sign of their inferior mental development that it is. Instead, be thankful that they aren't (yet) demanding the latest iDoodad or eWidget that costs a month's pay. The local playground is more than enough to keep even the most demanding babies entertained for hours ... or days, probably, if you left them there ... which we don't recommend ... in most cases.

Baby Goes Beyond Close-Talking

Hey, lemme see if your tongue comes out like your teeth do...

Parenting Tip: Sure, it's cute when your baby touches your face as if trying to figure out what it does. Please keep in mind, though, that it's a very thin line between exploring and trying to rip off important parts of the aforementioned face.

Baby's Big Dreams

I'm gonna ride this muthaf****r to Mexico!

Parenting Tip: Babies and young children will often express unrealistic desires. Perhaps your child wants to be an astronaut, a movie star or work in manufacturing.

As a parent with a more accurate conception of reality, it's your job to manage these expectations properly. It's a fine balance between dashing their hopes and engendering unrealistic expectations.

When in doubt, many parents find it helpful to tell their children what they dreamed of becoming before they became parents. The gulf between those dreams and reality is often all the instruction a child needs.

Where Are My Pants?

Whoa, hold up, let's chill for a second. Ok, where are my pants?

Parenting Philosophy Corner: It's not OK for regular people to leave the house and walk around in public while not wearing pants. So why would it be okay for a baby to do so?

Are you saying that a person can go around not wearing pants simply because he wears small, cute pants. I mean, we make little people wear pants--you would call the police, or at least head the other direction, if you saw a horde of pantless midgets running around, right? That's what I thought.

And don't give me the line about "Oh, he's wearing a diaper, so it's fine." That is such B.S. Would you let your incontinent grandmother out of the house wearing only a diaper? If you would, then I hope someone calls the senior abuse hotline over your sadistic behavior.

Unless you want your child to be a stripper, the Naked Cowboy, or a Brindsay Kardilton-style starlet, pants are not optional.

Baby's First Steps ... Are Awesome

Oh man, I'm walking! Holy crap this is awesome!

The process of growing up is often a double-edged sword for parents. On the one hand, the ability to walk means that you can no longer put your child down in one place and expect them to still be there when you return. Additionally, a mobile child is one that you inevitably be chasing throughout your life. On the other hand, learning to walk means that they're that much closer to leaving your house and letting you have some peace and quiet again.

Baby's First Manifestation of His Impending Alcoholism

No, you're f***ing wasted!

Parenting Tip: Do not give your baby little sips of beer or wine, in the purported style of many French parents, thinking you're raising them to drink responsibly. Not only is it illegal, what you are in fact doing is training your baby to be an alcoholic. Or you're raising them to be French. Frankly, it's hard to say which is the less forgivable sin.

When Babies Have Bad Days

I may not be able to put a sentence together yet, but all I need is two words: F**k. You.

Parenting Tip: Sometimes babies have bad days, too, just like normal adult-type people. The difference between your bad days and theirs is that they still have a chance of having some good days in the future.

Let Me Eat Cake

He can't see me eating his cake, right? What? He's not going to miss it: the cake's bigger than his head.

Parenting Tip: Babies don't really "eat" so much as they "grab." And babies figure that whatever can be grabbed can be eaten, or otherwise it would run away or something. It's an evolutionary biology thing. Just trust us on this. Babies will stick whatever they can grab into their mouth, whether it's someone else's cake, paint chips or pearl earrings. And they do not give a crap whether it's theirs to eat or not. Never have, never will. They're babies...they're selfish like that.

Baby's First Massacre

You thought it was a good idea to dress as the gun-toting hillbilly herder of the plains and dress me as a victim of your genocide? That is really f**ked up! 

Parenting Tip: Father-son bonding should occur over sports and/or beer and/or car repair. It should never involve matching outfits...unless you want your child to be in therapy for the rest of his life....in which case, it should do the trick quite nicely.

The Playground and the Hay Bale

Okay this is annoying. Who the hell put a haybale by my playground? Not good planning, people.

Parenting Tip: Getting between a baby and his playground is just asking for trouble.

To Spit Up or Not To Spit Up

Not gonna spit up, not gonna spit up ...

Parenting Tip: Most babies are born with the ability to projectile vomit like something out of The Exorcist. Cover yourself appropriately.