Baby's Existential Angst

Hunter (at left): Sometimes I feel like we're the ones trapped in cages--prisoners of our tiny, inadequate bodies with inchoate vocal chords, wailing for an unnamed balm for our souls and for answers to the unending questions of life.      Hank (at right): Yeah, totally. Hey, do you think one of these things will try to bite my arm off if I dangle it in there? Let's find out...

Parenting Tip: Sometimes it may seem as if your baby is constantly doing things which put him or her in danger of death and/or dismemberment. Please try not to worry too much about this. These actions are probably not a sign of their existential angst (French babies aside) or some sort of death wish. Rather, it's much more likely that they're just a dumb baby and don't know any better.

Of Suicidal Tendencies And Kiddie Pools For Babies

Let's be honest here: this pool sucks. I am not going to have fun in an inflatable pool filled with a half-inch of water. I mean, there's not even a remote possibility that I could drown myself. Where's the excitement?

Parenting Tip: Your fear of killing your baby is natural. Because your baby might die if you look away for just one second. Remember how "I just took my eyes off him for a second" is always the distraught mother's excuse for baby death and/or baby kidnapping on the news as well as basically every Lifetime movie in which bad things happen to babies? It's true that it often seems like our precious, precious offspring have a death wish or suicidal tendencies. In fact, they are simply dumb. Existential crises and suicidal thoughts are something you have to look forward to mostly in the teen years. Do be aware that your fear of killing your baby will result in him/her having an insanely sheltered life and ultimately destroy any chance s/he has at happiness, independence and personal fulfillment.