Know-It-All Babies

I know! I know! What is "perestroika", Alex...

Parenting Tip: Once your child outgrows the phase wherein they ask you "What's that?" or "What does that mean?" about literally everything they encounter, they will begin the phase wherein they firmly believe that they know everything.

Almost inevitably, this will make you miss the phase in which they ask you what things are.

Grandparents and Baby's Sense of Smell

Jesus, can someone get me away from Grandpa's onion breath?  ...and if that's not onion, I really don't want to know what it is.

Parenting Tip: Grandparents can be a godsend for new parents. Obviously, grandparents are all too happy to babysit since most have little else to occupy their time (and they tend not to charge for this service, unlike that money-grubbing 7th-grader down the street). One underappreciated facet of grandparents is that they make parents look hip and "with it" in comparison. Additionally, they may help your baby and/or child appreciate the fact that your home doesn't smell like creamed corn, mothballs and death.

Baby's Big Dreams

I'm gonna ride this muthaf****r to Mexico!

Parenting Tip: Babies and young children will often express unrealistic desires. Perhaps your child wants to be an astronaut, a movie star or work in manufacturing.

As a parent with a more accurate conception of reality, it's your job to manage these expectations properly. It's a fine balance between dashing their hopes and engendering unrealistic expectations.

When in doubt, many parents find it helpful to tell their children what they dreamed of becoming before they became parents. The gulf between those dreams and reality is often all the instruction a child needs.

Baby's First Manifestation of His Impending Alcoholism

No, you're f***ing wasted!

Parenting Tip: Do not give your baby little sips of beer or wine, in the purported style of many French parents, thinking you're raising them to drink responsibly. Not only is it illegal, what you are in fact doing is training your baby to be an alcoholic. Or you're raising them to be French. Frankly, it's hard to say which is the less forgivable sin.

Let Me Eat Cake

He can't see me eating his cake, right? What? He's not going to miss it: the cake's bigger than his head.

Parenting Tip: Babies don't really "eat" so much as they "grab." And babies figure that whatever can be grabbed can be eaten, or otherwise it would run away or something. It's an evolutionary biology thing. Just trust us on this. Babies will stick whatever they can grab into their mouth, whether it's someone else's cake, paint chips or pearl earrings. And they do not give a crap whether it's theirs to eat or not. Never have, never will. They're babies...they're selfish like that.

To Spit Up or Not To Spit Up

Not gonna spit up, not gonna spit up ...

Parenting Tip: Most babies are born with the ability to projectile vomit like something out of The Exorcist. Cover yourself appropriately.

Yeah. Wheeee or Whatever.

I knew going up and down would eventually lose its thrill. I just never expected it to happen so fast.

Just like adults, babies can get bored. While this may be surprising when one considers that plastic rattles, blankets, stuffed animals or even jangling keys can provide countless hours of entertainment for babies, it is true nonetheless. It is healthy for a child to lose his or her sense of wonder concerning everyday things like gravity. You really don't want your kid to be the one who is constantly surprised about the fact that he isn't just floating off the planet. This could easily result in expensive therapy later in life...therapy for which you will inevitably be blamed for having caused.

Kitty Don't Fetch

Um, Mommy, I think I broke Kitty with the stick.... 

Parenting Tip: If you give a kid a stick, he will poke the hell out of anything nearby. And don't forget that he could at any time turn that stick into deadly projectile javelin and then giggle while hurling it at your face, the little psychopath.

Country Baby: A Day In The Life

WTF, you really expect me to like this? Driving a tractor in the hot sun harvesting crops? What am I, a peasant?

Please note that Babiesspeak ParentBlog does not condone the idea of allowing babies to drive tractors, and this may in fact be illegal in most states.

We're not sure, exactly, if it is ... we think so. It seems like it probably would be.

Happy ... and Maybe a Little Drunk

I am finally happy! And maybe a little drunk....

The Giraffe Costume

I hope you're getting a lot of enjoyment out of the giraffe costume. I'm not really going to bother to hide the fact that I'm pretty "meh" about it.

But really, it's fine. Halloween is about you. 

Not children. It's about you.