Grandparents and Baby's Sense of Smell

Jesus, can someone get me away from Grandpa's onion breath?  ...and if that's not onion, I really don't want to know what it is.

Parenting Tip: Grandparents can be a godsend for new parents. Obviously, grandparents are all too happy to babysit since most have little else to occupy their time (and they tend not to charge for this service, unlike that money-grubbing 7th-grader down the street). One underappreciated facet of grandparents is that they make parents look hip and "with it" in comparison. Additionally, they may help your baby and/or child appreciate the fact that your home doesn't smell like creamed corn, mothballs and death.

Baby's Big Dreams

I'm gonna ride this muthaf****r to Mexico!

Parenting Tip: Babies and young children will often express unrealistic desires. Perhaps your child wants to be an astronaut, a movie star or work in manufacturing.

As a parent with a more accurate conception of reality, it's your job to manage these expectations properly. It's a fine balance between dashing their hopes and engendering unrealistic expectations.

When in doubt, many parents find it helpful to tell their children what they dreamed of becoming before they became parents. The gulf between those dreams and reality is often all the instruction a child needs.

The Souls of Babies

No. No I have not heard of Children of the Corn. I do not know of what you speak.

Parenting Philosophy Corner: Because they lack empathy, compassion and any sense of justice, it may seem as if your baby doesn't have a soul.

Generally speaking, this is not true. Most babies do have souls.

Sure, it may not seem that way sometimes, but eventually your baby will develop some sort of conscience and begin to care about others and the world around them.

Developmentally speaking, this usually happens around age 25.

Until then, it's probably best to just to treat your child as if they are a soulless sociopath or possessed by an exorcism-proof demon... a demon in need of diapers, toys, clothing, and eventually, a very expensive education.

Baby Time: It's Bored O'Clock

Wait, let me check my watch. And by "watch" I mean "level of boredom." Yes, according to my watch it seems that it's time to go. 

Parenting Tip: A bored baby is an unhappy baby. And an unhappy baby is one that makes you look like a horrible parent by wailing uncontrollably in public.

Photo credit & thanks to Sarika Chawla and Aaron Rigby.

Baby's First Steps ... Are Awesome

Oh man, I'm walking! Holy crap this is awesome!

The process of growing up is often a double-edged sword for parents. On the one hand, the ability to walk means that you can no longer put your child down in one place and expect them to still be there when you return. Additionally, a mobile child is one that you inevitably be chasing throughout your life. On the other hand, learning to walk means that they're that much closer to leaving your house and letting you have some peace and quiet again.

Of Suicidal Tendencies And Kiddie Pools For Babies

Let's be honest here: this pool sucks. I am not going to have fun in an inflatable pool filled with a half-inch of water. I mean, there's not even a remote possibility that I could drown myself. Where's the excitement?

Parenting Tip: Your fear of killing your baby is natural. Because your baby might die if you look away for just one second. Remember how "I just took my eyes off him for a second" is always the distraught mother's excuse for baby death and/or baby kidnapping on the news as well as basically every Lifetime movie in which bad things happen to babies? It's true that it often seems like our precious, precious offspring have a death wish or suicidal tendencies. In fact, they are simply dumb. Existential crises and suicidal thoughts are something you have to look forward to mostly in the teen years. Do be aware that your fear of killing your baby will result in him/her having an insanely sheltered life and ultimately destroy any chance s/he has at happiness, independence and personal fulfillment.

Baby's First Massacre

You thought it was a good idea to dress as the gun-toting hillbilly herder of the plains and dress me as a victim of your genocide? That is really f**ked up! 

Parenting Tip: Father-son bonding should occur over sports and/or beer and/or car repair. It should never involve matching outfits...unless you want your child to be in therapy for the rest of his life....in which case, it should do the trick quite nicely.

To Spit Up or Not To Spit Up

Not gonna spit up, not gonna spit up ...

Parenting Tip: Most babies are born with the ability to projectile vomit like something out of The Exorcist. Cover yourself appropriately.

Yeah. Wheeee or Whatever.

I knew going up and down would eventually lose its thrill. I just never expected it to happen so fast.

Just like adults, babies can get bored. While this may be surprising when one considers that plastic rattles, blankets, stuffed animals or even jangling keys can provide countless hours of entertainment for babies, it is true nonetheless. It is healthy for a child to lose his or her sense of wonder concerning everyday things like gravity. You really don't want your kid to be the one who is constantly surprised about the fact that he isn't just floating off the planet. This could easily result in expensive therapy later in life...therapy for which you will inevitably be blamed for having caused.

Kitty Don't Fetch

Um, Mommy, I think I broke Kitty with the stick.... 

Parenting Tip: If you give a kid a stick, he will poke the hell out of anything nearby. And don't forget that he could at any time turn that stick into deadly projectile javelin and then giggle while hurling it at your face, the little psychopath.

Country Baby: A Day In The Life

WTF, you really expect me to like this? Driving a tractor in the hot sun harvesting crops? What am I, a peasant?

Please note that Babiesspeak ParentBlog does not condone the idea of allowing babies to drive tractors, and this may in fact be illegal in most states.

We're not sure, exactly, if it is ... we think so. It seems like it probably would be.

Happy ... and Maybe a Little Drunk

I am finally happy! And maybe a little drunk....

The Giraffe Costume

I hope you're getting a lot of enjoyment out of the giraffe costume. I'm not really going to bother to hide the fact that I'm pretty "meh" about it.

But really, it's fine. Halloween is about you. 

Not children. It's about you.

Babyspeak & Babies Speaking - Welcome

Welcome to Babiesspeak.blogspot.com. On this site, we translate the babyspeak of everyday babies and turn it into posts on the Internet. Here is an example of that. . .

Why the hell is life not fair? Whyyy!?!

And that's how we roll here on Babiesspeak Parentblog now on Blogger.

Stay tuned for more pictures of babies sporting inappropriately-captioned words