Baby's Big Dreams

I'm gonna ride this muthaf****r to Mexico!

Parenting Tip: Babies and young children will often express unrealistic desires. Perhaps your child wants to be an astronaut, a movie star or work in manufacturing.

As a parent with a more accurate conception of reality, it's your job to manage these expectations properly. It's a fine balance between dashing their hopes and engendering unrealistic expectations.

When in doubt, many parents find it helpful to tell their children what they dreamed of becoming before they became parents. The gulf between those dreams and reality is often all the instruction a child needs.

The Souls of Babies

No. No I have not heard of Children of the Corn. I do not know of what you speak.

Parenting Philosophy Corner: Because they lack empathy, compassion and any sense of justice, it may seem as if your baby doesn't have a soul.

Generally speaking, this is not true. Most babies do have souls.

Sure, it may not seem that way sometimes, but eventually your baby will develop some sort of conscience and begin to care about others and the world around them.

Developmentally speaking, this usually happens around age 25.

Until then, it's probably best to just to treat your child as if they are a soulless sociopath or possessed by an exorcism-proof demon... a demon in need of diapers, toys, clothing, and eventually, a very expensive education.

Where Are My Pants?

Whoa, hold up, let's chill for a second. Ok, where are my pants?

Parenting Philosophy Corner: It's not OK for regular people to leave the house and walk around in public while not wearing pants. So why would it be okay for a baby to do so?

Are you saying that a person can go around not wearing pants simply because he wears small, cute pants. I mean, we make little people wear pants--you would call the police, or at least head the other direction, if you saw a horde of pantless midgets running around, right? That's what I thought.

And don't give me the line about "Oh, he's wearing a diaper, so it's fine." That is such B.S. Would you let your incontinent grandmother out of the house wearing only a diaper? If you would, then I hope someone calls the senior abuse hotline over your sadistic behavior.

Unless you want your child to be a stripper, the Naked Cowboy, or a Brindsay Kardilton-style starlet, pants are not optional.

Baby Time: It's Bored O'Clock

Wait, let me check my watch. And by "watch" I mean "level of boredom." Yes, according to my watch it seems that it's time to go. 

Parenting Tip: A bored baby is an unhappy baby. And an unhappy baby is one that makes you look like a horrible parent by wailing uncontrollably in public.

Photo credit & thanks to Sarika Chawla and Aaron Rigby.

Baby's First Steps ... Are Awesome

Oh man, I'm walking! Holy crap this is awesome!

The process of growing up is often a double-edged sword for parents. On the one hand, the ability to walk means that you can no longer put your child down in one place and expect them to still be there when you return. Additionally, a mobile child is one that you inevitably be chasing throughout your life. On the other hand, learning to walk means that they're that much closer to leaving your house and letting you have some peace and quiet again.

Baby's First Manifestation of His Impending Alcoholism

No, you're f***ing wasted!

Parenting Tip: Do not give your baby little sips of beer or wine, in the purported style of many French parents, thinking you're raising them to drink responsibly. Not only is it illegal, what you are in fact doing is training your baby to be an alcoholic. Or you're raising them to be French. Frankly, it's hard to say which is the less forgivable sin.