Of Suicidal Tendencies And Kiddie Pools For Babies

Let's be honest here: this pool sucks. I am not going to have fun in an inflatable pool filled with a half-inch of water. I mean, there's not even a remote possibility that I could drown myself. Where's the excitement?

Parenting Tip: Your fear of killing your baby is natural. Because your baby might die if you look away for just one second. Remember how "I just took my eyes off him for a second" is always the distraught mother's excuse for baby death and/or baby kidnapping on the news as well as basically every Lifetime movie in which bad things happen to babies? It's true that it often seems like our precious, precious offspring have a death wish or suicidal tendencies. In fact, they are simply dumb. Existential crises and suicidal thoughts are something you have to look forward to mostly in the teen years. Do be aware that your fear of killing your baby will result in him/her having an insanely sheltered life and ultimately destroy any chance s/he has at happiness, independence and personal fulfillment.

Let Me Eat Cake

He can't see me eating his cake, right? What? He's not going to miss it: the cake's bigger than his head.

Parenting Tip: Babies don't really "eat" so much as they "grab." And babies figure that whatever can be grabbed can be eaten, or otherwise it would run away or something. It's an evolutionary biology thing. Just trust us on this. Babies will stick whatever they can grab into their mouth, whether it's someone else's cake, paint chips or pearl earrings. And they do not give a crap whether it's theirs to eat or not. Never have, never will. They're babies...they're selfish like that.