Cute-Off: Dogs Versus Babies

Wait... did you just say that my hair is messier than the dog's? Well whose friggin' fault is that, people? Not my fault. Not unless I can now just drive myself to SuperCuts, you cheap bastards.

Parenting Tip: Since dogs will never understand what you say exactly, and can't talk back, you should probably just tell your children that you love them more than the family pet, even if you obviously don't.

When Babies Have Bad Days

I may not be able to put a sentence together yet, but all I need is two words: F**k. You.

Parenting Tip: Sometimes babies have bad days, too, just like normal adult-type people. The difference between your bad days and theirs is that they still have a chance of having some good days in the future.

Of Suicidal Tendencies And Kiddie Pools For Babies

Let's be honest here: this pool sucks. I am not going to have fun in an inflatable pool filled with a half-inch of water. I mean, there's not even a remote possibility that I could drown myself. Where's the excitement?

Parenting Tip: Your fear of killing your baby is natural. Because your baby might die if you look away for just one second. Remember how "I just took my eyes off him for a second" is always the distraught mother's excuse for baby death and/or baby kidnapping on the news as well as basically every Lifetime movie in which bad things happen to babies? It's true that it often seems like our precious, precious offspring have a death wish or suicidal tendencies. In fact, they are simply dumb. Existential crises and suicidal thoughts are something you have to look forward to mostly in the teen years. Do be aware that your fear of killing your baby will result in him/her having an insanely sheltered life and ultimately destroy any chance s/he has at happiness, independence and personal fulfillment.

Let Me Eat Cake

He can't see me eating his cake, right? What? He's not going to miss it: the cake's bigger than his head.

Parenting Tip: Babies don't really "eat" so much as they "grab." And babies figure that whatever can be grabbed can be eaten, or otherwise it would run away or something. It's an evolutionary biology thing. Just trust us on this. Babies will stick whatever they can grab into their mouth, whether it's someone else's cake, paint chips or pearl earrings. And they do not give a crap whether it's theirs to eat or not. Never have, never will. They're babies...they're selfish like that.

Baby's First Massacre

You thought it was a good idea to dress as the gun-toting hillbilly herder of the plains and dress me as a victim of your genocide? That is really f**ked up! 

Parenting Tip: Father-son bonding should occur over sports and/or beer and/or car repair. It should never involve matching outfits...unless you want your child to be in therapy for the rest of his life....in which case, it should do the trick quite nicely.

The Playground and the Hay Bale

Okay this is annoying. Who the hell put a haybale by my playground? Not good planning, people.

Parenting Tip: Getting between a baby and his playground is just asking for trouble.

To Spit Up or Not To Spit Up

Not gonna spit up, not gonna spit up ...

Parenting Tip: Most babies are born with the ability to projectile vomit like something out of The Exorcist. Cover yourself appropriately.

Yeah. Wheeee or Whatever.

I knew going up and down would eventually lose its thrill. I just never expected it to happen so fast.

Just like adults, babies can get bored. While this may be surprising when one considers that plastic rattles, blankets, stuffed animals or even jangling keys can provide countless hours of entertainment for babies, it is true nonetheless. It is healthy for a child to lose his or her sense of wonder concerning everyday things like gravity. You really don't want your kid to be the one who is constantly surprised about the fact that he isn't just floating off the planet. This could easily result in expensive therapy later in life...therapy for which you will inevitably be blamed for having caused.

Kitty Don't Fetch

Um, Mommy, I think I broke Kitty with the stick.... 

Parenting Tip: If you give a kid a stick, he will poke the hell out of anything nearby. And don't forget that he could at any time turn that stick into deadly projectile javelin and then giggle while hurling it at your face, the little psychopath.

Country Baby: A Day In The Life

WTF, you really expect me to like this? Driving a tractor in the hot sun harvesting crops? What am I, a peasant?

Please note that Babiesspeak ParentBlog does not condone the idea of allowing babies to drive tractors, and this may in fact be illegal in most states.

We're not sure, exactly, if it is ... we think so. It seems like it probably would be.

Happy ... and Maybe a Little Drunk

I am finally happy! And maybe a little drunk....

Eat Your Friggin Heart Out

Eat your friggin' heart out, Anne Geddes.

Photo by: Megan Calcara Hurtig


This photo is in no way is related to Anne Geddes, is probably not endorsed or even liked by her, and we make no claim that this photograph is the work of Anne Geddes. It certainly is not. But whatever. Anne Geddes is played out anyway, and we wouldn't want to be like her even if we could, which we don't. So there. Suck it, Anne Geddes.

The Giraffe Costume

I hope you're getting a lot of enjoyment out of the giraffe costume. I'm not really going to bother to hide the fact that I'm pretty "meh" about it.

But really, it's fine. Halloween is about you. 

Not children. It's about you.

Babyspeak & Babies Speaking - Welcome

Welcome to Babiesspeak.blogspot.com. On this site, we translate the babyspeak of everyday babies and turn it into posts on the Internet. Here is an example of that. . .

Why the hell is life not fair? Whyyy!?!

And that's how we roll here on Babiesspeak Parentblog now on Blogger.

Stay tuned for more pictures of babies sporting inappropriately-captioned words