Know-It-All Babies

I know! I know! What is "perestroika", Alex...

Parenting Tip: Once your child outgrows the phase wherein they ask you "What's that?" or "What does that mean?" about literally everything they encounter, they will begin the phase wherein they firmly believe that they know everything.

Almost inevitably, this will make you miss the phase in which they ask you what things are.

Why Babies Are Like Sponges

Look! I'm pole-dancing just like Mommy!

Parenting Tip: It is often said that babies are like sponges. This is true in two ways. First, it's true that they are likely to imitate almost anyone they come into contact with as they try to figure out the intricacies of the world around them.

The second way babies are like sponges? Sometimes they're also like contraceptive sponges because they make you never want to get pregnant again. Keep this in mind as you make your Valentine's Day plans.

Baby's Existential Angst

Hunter (at left): Sometimes I feel like we're the ones trapped in cages--prisoners of our tiny, inadequate bodies with inchoate vocal chords, wailing for an unnamed balm for our souls and for answers to the unending questions of life.      Hank (at right): Yeah, totally. Hey, do you think one of these things will try to bite my arm off if I dangle it in there? Let's find out...

Parenting Tip: Sometimes it may seem as if your baby is constantly doing things which put him or her in danger of death and/or dismemberment. Please try not to worry too much about this. These actions are probably not a sign of their existential angst (French babies aside) or some sort of death wish. Rather, it's much more likely that they're just a dumb baby and don't know any better.

Babies Swinging & Other Amusements

Wheee! Swings are so effin' awesome!

Parenting Tip: Compared to older children, babies are easily amused. Try not to think of this as the sign of their inferior mental development that it is. Instead, be thankful that they aren't (yet) demanding the latest iDoodad or eWidget that costs a month's pay. The local playground is more than enough to keep even the most demanding babies entertained for hours ... or days, probably, if you left them there ... which we don't recommend ... in most cases.

Grandparents and Baby's Sense of Smell

Jesus, can someone get me away from Grandpa's onion breath?  ...and if that's not onion, I really don't want to know what it is.

Parenting Tip: Grandparents can be a godsend for new parents. Obviously, grandparents are all too happy to babysit since most have little else to occupy their time (and they tend not to charge for this service, unlike that money-grubbing 7th-grader down the street). One underappreciated facet of grandparents is that they make parents look hip and "with it" in comparison. Additionally, they may help your baby and/or child appreciate the fact that your home doesn't smell like creamed corn, mothballs and death.

Baby Goes Beyond Close-Talking

Hey, lemme see if your tongue comes out like your teeth do...

Parenting Tip: Sure, it's cute when your baby touches your face as if trying to figure out what it does. Please keep in mind, though, that it's a very thin line between exploring and trying to rip off important parts of the aforementioned face.

Baby's Big Dreams

I'm gonna ride this muthaf****r to Mexico!

Parenting Tip: Babies and young children will often express unrealistic desires. Perhaps your child wants to be an astronaut, a movie star or work in manufacturing.

As a parent with a more accurate conception of reality, it's your job to manage these expectations properly. It's a fine balance between dashing their hopes and engendering unrealistic expectations.

When in doubt, many parents find it helpful to tell their children what they dreamed of becoming before they became parents. The gulf between those dreams and reality is often all the instruction a child needs.

The Souls of Babies

No. No I have not heard of Children of the Corn. I do not know of what you speak.

Parenting Philosophy Corner: Because they lack empathy, compassion and any sense of justice, it may seem as if your baby doesn't have a soul.

Generally speaking, this is not true. Most babies do have souls.

Sure, it may not seem that way sometimes, but eventually your baby will develop some sort of conscience and begin to care about others and the world around them.

Developmentally speaking, this usually happens around age 25.

Until then, it's probably best to just to treat your child as if they are a soulless sociopath or possessed by an exorcism-proof demon... a demon in need of diapers, toys, clothing, and eventually, a very expensive education.

Where Are My Pants?

Whoa, hold up, let's chill for a second. Ok, where are my pants?

Parenting Philosophy Corner: It's not OK for regular people to leave the house and walk around in public while not wearing pants. So why would it be okay for a baby to do so?

Are you saying that a person can go around not wearing pants simply because he wears small, cute pants. I mean, we make little people wear pants--you would call the police, or at least head the other direction, if you saw a horde of pantless midgets running around, right? That's what I thought.

And don't give me the line about "Oh, he's wearing a diaper, so it's fine." That is such B.S. Would you let your incontinent grandmother out of the house wearing only a diaper? If you would, then I hope someone calls the senior abuse hotline over your sadistic behavior.

Unless you want your child to be a stripper, the Naked Cowboy, or a Brindsay Kardilton-style starlet, pants are not optional.

Baby Time: It's Bored O'Clock

Wait, let me check my watch. And by "watch" I mean "level of boredom." Yes, according to my watch it seems that it's time to go. 

Parenting Tip: A bored baby is an unhappy baby. And an unhappy baby is one that makes you look like a horrible parent by wailing uncontrollably in public.

Photo credit & thanks to Sarika Chawla and Aaron Rigby.

Baby's First Steps ... Are Awesome

Oh man, I'm walking! Holy crap this is awesome!

The process of growing up is often a double-edged sword for parents. On the one hand, the ability to walk means that you can no longer put your child down in one place and expect them to still be there when you return. Additionally, a mobile child is one that you inevitably be chasing throughout your life. On the other hand, learning to walk means that they're that much closer to leaving your house and letting you have some peace and quiet again.

Baby's First Manifestation of His Impending Alcoholism

No, you're f***ing wasted!

Parenting Tip: Do not give your baby little sips of beer or wine, in the purported style of many French parents, thinking you're raising them to drink responsibly. Not only is it illegal, what you are in fact doing is training your baby to be an alcoholic. Or you're raising them to be French. Frankly, it's hard to say which is the less forgivable sin.